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The Story of 83: A Fairytale

83 300Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived a speargun called 83. When 83 was born, he was sent to live with a great man, indeed the king of all the lands, King Gazza the Great.

When King Gazza was but a prince he sallied forth with his finest army to the land of Croatia, to spear more fish than any other man alive and thus take the title of champion spearfisher. In fact, it was for this very campaign that 83 had been given unto Gazza, for the spearing of hole dwelling fish, the type of which were the only fish still to be found in those waters. Alas, King Gazza was blessed with but a single fish over the competition and so was not the worlds champion. Enraged, King Gazza banished 83 to the tractor shed, to languish unloved and unused for many a year. And so may 83 have remained were it not but for the intervention of Princess Aidan, daughter of Gaz. For she, like her great father, felt the pull of the sea, heard it calling, and pleaded unto Gaz to take her with him. And so, when the days were warm and the seas also, King Gazz would take the little princess with him. As she was but small, 83 was allowed to be her weapon. How 83 enjoyed these brief forays back into the sea that he loved so much! Princess Aidan’s eye was as true as her heart and together they accounted for many butterfish and every sandagers wrasse in the sea would quail in fear of their combined powers. Yet 83 was still unhappy and, whiling away the hours back in the tractor shed, would reflect in honest self-evalutation on why this might be. Eventually 83 concluded that every spearguns aim was to take a truly glorious fish - a fish worthy of a photo, perhaps even worthy of the internet! That is not to say that 83 was ungrateful for the fish that the princess allowed him, only that it is every speargun’s right to dream. A dream it would remain as long as 83 existed, for 83 knew that being so short precluded his ever taking a glory fish

But fate has her ways.........

Enter His Royal Longness, the Magnanimous, so brilliant with a spear that he had forsaken it. So great was his skill and so fine his temperament that he let King Gazz shoot a 22lb snapper off his burley during the nationals when he had his back turned and the sneaky bastard got in there and shot my bloody fis.....but he was not bitter- for he was good and wise.

And so it came to pass the His Royal Longness and King Gazz skived a Monday and drove to Tairua and loaded the boat. His Royal Longness desired to film some bronzies and so needed a speargun to shoot some burley. How 83 wished he would be selected but he knew from bitter experience that the taller 120s would go in his place. How he despised them!, the 120's, both for the attention lavished upon them by the king but also for their arrogance, something 83 attributed to their height.
But lo!, His Longness chose instead 83, muttering something about butterfish and drummer and clipping 83 to his belt, thus keeping his hands free. 83 was overjoyed." To finally be diving with someone truly great' , thought 83, ' surely this is the pinnacle of my career? And so modest too!"

And so on arriving at a spot which suited King Gazz, both men took to the waters, King Gazz to snoop and His Longness to burley. It came to pass that 83 did indeed skewer a drummer and His Longness indeed did burley it on a bommie. But His Longness wanted a butterfish too and despite their best efforts, none was to be found. And so they swam a distance until they found their quarry and his longness fired. 83 pushed the shaft straight and true but his rubbers were tired and it was only by luck that 83 was able to hold the butterfish. 83 knew that His Longness had seen his shaft in flight, so slow was it's path. 83 also knew that the 120s threw a shaft faster than the eye and knew The Great One would be thinking upon how useless he was. (And he was right.) Oh, how ashamed 83 felt when his longness reloaded him and gazed apon his rubbers. How perished they were. He could imagine what His Longness was thinking, could almost hear the words..." Bloody hell Gazz, these rubbers are rooted. Any more perished and they'd snap. Oh man, what a heapashit"

But 83 collected himself on the swim back to the bommie. As His Longness swam over the bommie, from out the other side appeared half a dozen snappers, feeding on the drummer. One was a big bastard. Oh, how humiliating for 83 to be found wanting now. What His Longness must be thinking at this very moment?

What His Longness must be thinking indeed, for at that very moment he submerged, his grip tightening around 83s handle. Quicker than the wind His Longness had descended to the bottom and slipped around the edge of the bommie. For His Longness had in the blink of an eye calculated that sniping the giant snapper from above was futile, such were 83s failings. But such behaviour made 83s heart sing, for he knew that His Longness was asking of him to be a weapon as opposed to a toy. Such a vote of confidence 83 would never forget. Suddenly!!!!!!!!, the giant appeared. How wide his flanks! How hard his nong!! 83 lined up on his nong, as broad and high as a target could be. But His Longness did not fire for His Longness knew that 83 would be found wanting. Instead they waited, three combatants aligned, each unwilling to make the next move. Finally the giant quartered away and instantly His Longness depressed the trigger. 83 roared his reply, sallying forth his shaft for all he had. The point effortlessly parted the scales and now 83 understood why the shot had been delayed. He forced with all his might into the giants flesh.....and instantly felt his strength beginning to fail. The 120s spoke of flesh as if it were made of air so easily could they skewer it. But to 83 it felt as sand, bogging him down. But still he bore on, then suddenly he hit something solid, dissipating his force instantly. Then he was falling free, down through the water to the bottom. From the corner of his eye he could see the giants tail beating away.

He had failed.

But oddly, he felt hands gripping his failed spear and then the rhythmic beating of His Longness' fins and then ahead he could see the giant circling helplessly, it's tail no longer in communication with it's head. He had damaged its spine. That is what had stopped him so. And then he found himself being rammed once more through snapper flesh, this time powered by His Longness' hugely well developed and muscled arms.

Success! 83 had become a true speargun. He had slayed a giant and it was good.
When they got back to the boat, King Gazza got out his camera and snapped away and 83 began to weep in joy.
Then His Longness threw 83 into the corner and said unto King Gazza, “ Won’t make that mistake twice. Got a spare 120 on this boat?”

The End
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